khaosinkinema: (Default)
About the never-aching rainy islands.

My name is RINA & I'm a RAT/MONKEY as well as TAURUS/VIRGO combo. My numerology life path number is the ELEVEN. I SING, I PLAY THE ELECTRIC GUITAR, I love anything related to MUSIC as well as MUSIC-MAKING. Being quite the CHAOTIC PERSON I am, I often struggle with my feelings of NOT LIVING UP TO MY OWN EXPECTATIONS. I have been diagnosed with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER combined with AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER, DEPRESSION, PSYCHOSIS, & BINGE-EATING DISORDER. And even though there may be times I forget this, I am a FIGHTER & I am a SURVIVOR. I love TRAVELLING & LEARNING FOREIGN LANGUAGES (mostly Japanese nowadays, but I also love Italian and Finnish...), my native language being GERMAN. My family's partly from ITALY and partly from HUNGARY. I can be quite SENTIMENTAL and EMOTIONAL; I do want everybody to be in SAFETY. I am an IDEALIST, and I'm an AUDITORY / KINESTHETIC LEARNER. The Enneagram classifies me as a FOUR (with a THREE wing); my tritype being that of the FOUR-SEVEN-NINE (4w3, 7w6, 9w1 sx/so/sp). INFP is my MBTI type. SURREALISM is life. Also, I am PANSEXUAL ♥. I love GOTH & PUNK & J-FASHION.


khaosinkinema: (Kouji You Are Pointed At)

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
4. Put any comments in parentheses after the song name.
5. Put this in your profile.

Feeding Time!! :D  )

Think about me what you want to, but my music taste is good :D.
khaosinkinema: (Yu-ki Vs Kouji Tied Up)
Pushing through the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying

I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys, electric irons and T.V.'s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people

A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't a-pulled her off, I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm, fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest, and a queer threw up at the sight of that

I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour, drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine, don't think
You knew you were in this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of Ma and I wanted to get back there

Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
We've got five years, that's all we've got

[-- David Bowie - "Five Years"]
khaosinkinema: (Don Huonot Learning!)
I somehow witnessed over the course of the past months / years that my expectations rose, and therefore I was constantly annoyed with the kind of ("little to no") progress I made when it came to activities I really actually just did because I enjoyed them. I also felt that during all of this time, the urge to do something just for the reason that it could make me happy was deteriorating in itself. It was hard for me to do random stuff on Duolingo, to pick up my guitar, to write songs, to write poetry, etc. And I know it unfortunately IS something I am not all alone with...

Also, my idea of having "hobbies" was pretty much similar to what the person who made the following video said in the beginning of it: That it should actually be called "disciplines", because otherwise the word wouldn't sound like something that actually is worth one's time. I am also struggling with hobbies not being my "general field of work", if I could call it that, and that's also why I often feel incredibly scared of choosing one profession, because I fear it would get me away from my other areas of interest. I know this sounds ridiculous maybe, but the struggle is real.

I always identified myself as a person who has a large variety of interests, hobbies, disciplines to define who I was deep down, because I didn't know who I would be without them. If you like making music, you can call yourself a musician to a certain extend, if you paint on a regular basis, you are an artist, if you love nothing more than dancing, dancer is the term I would use, etc. All these little descriptions meant even more to me than the hobbies themselves: I just realised that. Initially, of course, I LOVED all the things I used to label myself with. I LOVED it all... I was all of these things: Musician, tarot reader, artist, dancer, astrologist, language enthusiast (or like they call it: "polyglot"), traveller, writer, designer (web & fashion), ... Of course, all were "just" hobbies, but I saw them in a really competitive way with others; it didn't make it any easier for me nor did it make the conversations and life with other people any easier & happier.

I now ask myself, how could I even get back to the state of simply enjoying those things for what they are / mean to me? How can I just stay in the moment, in a peaceful, non-judgmental way towards myself?

I often had this exact feeling with making music, the BIGGEST of my loves maybe, and it broke my heart each time I thought, "I am not made for this. Everybody is better than me. I don't have a right to enjoy it if it is not perfect. I don't fit into the music world...", etc. I would usually belittle myself here, saying those thoughts are not that big of a deal, but they are, and they are also stuff others struggle with maybe on a regular basis. I always came to the conclusion (When touching my guitar again after a long period of not doing so...) that the thoughts were unjustified. That I still had it in me, that it still mattered to me. That it was a neverending love story, if you will.

So, I really need to find ways out of these states of mind, I feel. Not just for myself. How to even be present in the moment when all you think about is your PAST (What did I do wrong again last year in February? And what about this horrible thing that happened in my childhood? And, hey, what about my father, who always despised me and my artistic endeavors?) and the FUTURE (How can I get out of this state and finally be happy? What can I do right now to make myself happy in the future? Oh dear, and what if I really end up failing at all my endeavors? Will I be happy with who I am then?)... I really urge everybody reading this to think about this. Maybe you never struggled with this at all, of course, which makes me happy for you (Really, it does. Tell me about that :D!). Maybe you do struggle and have no idea either, then let's maybe brainstorm together, or support each other, encourage each other... And maybe, you struggled in the past and overcame your whatever-it-may-be, then please tell me how you managed to do that.

// On a totally random, unrelated note: Saw a bigger car today which had "We do!" written on it. Reminded me of a discussion I had with my sister yesterday, about that stonecutters episode from the Simpsons, in which they sang a song having this title... :D Don't believe me? //
khaosinkinema: (Default)
Dieser Ort ist ein Geheimnis!
Gibt es ihn, gibt es ihn nicht?
Ich kann ihn dir doch auch verschweigen.
Anstatt's zu schreien ins Gesicht.

Ein Schlag, ein Schlag, ein Schlag, ein Schlag,
Schaler Geschmack im fahlen Licht,
Ein roter Wirrwarr jeden Tag!
Verbunden' Augen finden's nicht.

Dieser Ort ist ein Geheimnis!
Gibt es ihn, gibt es ihn nicht?
Ich kann ihn dir doch nicht beschreiben,
Vielleicht liegt er im Dunkellicht.

Ich fühl' ihn schmerzen, wenn ich ihn seh'.
Ich fühl' ihn hüpfen, wenn er lacht.
Ich fühl' ihn kämpfen, wenn ich da bin.
Ich fühle ihn, ob Tag, ob Nacht.

Dieser Ort ist ein Geheimnis!
Und sagen werd' direkt ich's nicht.
Dieser Ort ist schwer zu finden,
Wenn roter Wirrwarr bannt die Sicht.

Das End' vom Lied sei nie besprochen,
Der Ort für immer in der Brust,
Das Leben pocht dahin, zerbrochen,
Hat zum Hinpochen keine Lust.
khaosinkinema: (Kouji You Are Pointed At)
Heeello~! :D

My sister* just asked me an interesting question, since we watched a few videos of Miami Ink. The question was :

If you were to get a tattoo of an animal, which animal would you choose and why?

So I had to think. I guess it would either be a RAT or a CAT ...

Why would I choose the cat? -- I grew up with cats, they also were the first animals I had contact to, that I could build up a bond to. Cats are said to be very independent. And I totally trust their knowledge of the human mind ...

Why would I choose the rat? -- First off, I am a rat (Chinese zodiac sign), and then I think I have a lot in common with rats. I am maybe not viewed the way I really am, some people find me weird, disgusting, scary, whatever, but I still go my own way, I wouldn*t change myself for anybody. And I just love those clear, beautiful, curious eyes rats have. They run through the world with open eyes. They are very intelligent, too. :]

I love both animals. And I somehow really want a rat tattoo now ... :) I found this picture and it really makes my heart stumble over my love for rats, too ...

So ... What about you?

[X-posted to my LJ]
khaosinkinema: (Yu-ki Vs Kouji Tied Up)
There is this moment, like a hole. It reaches deep into my soul. It reaches into depths of thoughts, crawling over them, ripping them out, and serving them on a plate, ready to eat. It is like the most delicious soup for anybody to try, and since I want to get what my mind says, I am trying a piece of it. Actually, it tastes extraordinary.
[-- Rina / khaosinkinema; 30072011]
khaosinkinema: (Default)
Nicht dass es nun nötig sei,
Zu sagen "Es ist schon vorbei".
Denn fühlt das Ende jedermann,
Der langsam mich wahrnehmen kann,
Wenn ich strahle, strahl* ich aus.
Für manche gar ein Augenschmaus.

Nicht dass das Urteil nötig war.
Es macht doch nicht, es ist sogar
Wertlos, hirnlos, teils verbrannt,
Die Worte sind eh unbekannt,
Und wenn ich teile, teil* ich aus.
Ein mancher macht ein Drama draus.

[-- Rina // khaosinkinema; 30072011]
khaosinkinema: (Default)
All my favourites are listed below, to answer this question just in time :D.

Give us this day all that you showed me ...  )
khaosinkinema: (Default)
The snow is bleeding
An owl was crying for help
The flight woke me up

[-- Rina / khaosinkinema; 30072011]
khaosinkinema: (Yu-ki Vs Kouji Tied Up)
I think it is very nice when people feel they are entitled to tell what kind of person I am by misunderstanding what I write. After all, if I write something down, I literally mean it the way I write it. If I read something somebody else wrote, I mostly try to interpret it, though, but that*s another point.

HOWEVER, I didn*t mean to hurt anybody*s feelings.

Ah yes, I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses already -- if you need to really know. The worst it could get. And even though I do have many, many reasons to complain about this and that and my oh-so shitty childhood/time of youth, I won*t. Why? Because I could have reacted differently. I could have just stayed away from several sharp objects in the end, I could have stayed away from trying to kill myself several times, I could have stayed away from everything and anything. If I had done, I would not have ended up hospitalized so often.

And if YOU as a reader (whoever you may be) think now "Thanks for the drama, b****.", then send your thanks also to the person who "inspired" this entry.

So much for that. Now back to my daily arrangements~.
khaosinkinema: (Jumping Kouji)
Közi is the most important musician to me who I can think of. As for many people, they adore music fitting to every kind of mood, and even Közi*s music fits in there, even though the texts most likely have several "layers" of meaning. He also uses several of the words I love the sound of, which now seems like a stupid reason, but hearing them over and over again really makes my day, every time, and it has been like this for several years now. ^ ^

* * * * * *

Besides that, I have got a question, since I don*t fully get what this openID is about ... Does anybody know how to "add" LiveJournal users to the list of people who are able to read this? Yes, I have been on LJ for a ... fairly long period of time (10 years). I*d be really glad if I were able to share some things with my friends "over there". And reading their journals would also be kind of cool ... However, I don*t know how it works?

Please help~ ...

* * * * * *

(I know it is a little messed up, this entry. I didn*t want to post two single ones, though ...)
khaosinkinema: (Default)
A r t (Drawings, Paintings, Khaos Art, etc. [I will not annoy you with photographs; I am not able to hold a camera without shaking :D])

- Esoteric-related : I want to create my own Tarot Deck (Atlantis-related)
- Draw nine more portraits for the 1o1/1oo1 challenge :) (the Daisuke portrait is done already)
- Draw some pictures including animals
- Surreal projects ...
- Probably try out the Naohisa-Inoue-way of painting pictures [Just to experience what this might be like!]

M u s i c a l (With friends, solo, maybe even remixes - if I get over my fear of this ...)

- Solo project : [Name to be announced]
--- Write the rest of the songs ... LYRICS.
--- Write the rest of the songs ... MUSIC.
--- Create a web site for this purpose :D.
[--- Search for band members!]
- With others : [Meian* et moi] -- shrRî.ngAra karanA bleu
--- Following the song "Retrocognition", I*d love to create several songs with similar subjects
--- Write lyrics for the single songs.

W r i t t e n (Potential songtexts, as well as poems, stories, etc.)

- Finish the story I am currently "outlining" the plot for ... Atlantis-related ;D.
- Write poems/khaos poetry ... Possible subjects include :
--- Dancing
--- Events of my life
--- How to approach life
--- Love
--- Music
--- Past loves [Yes I love poetry refering to love! So what?!]
--- People close to me
--- Philosophical subjects
khaosinkinema: (Default)
Greetings, mutants.

I figure the first entry should contain some basic information on me, as well as some plans I have with this journal, so I shall post this now. Hohoho.

My name is Rina. I am 27 years old, female, and from Germany. I currently study at university [Japanese studies & musicology] ... I am addicted to several things, including music, being creative, languages*n*traveling, the paranormal, and esoteric. And, of course, other people*s results of creative moments, and I also like the internet. My MBTI result says I am an INFP, and yes, I believe in this!, and my enneagram type is 4(w3).

What I plan with this journal ... I mostly want to use it for posting things - like quotes, urls or descriptions/interpretations - that inspire me, as well as my own "results of creative moments". I will try to keep it like this ...

So -- now I wish you much fun "over here". Grab the nearest cookie and throw it against a wall EAT IT! :D



khaosinkinema: (Default)

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